My 22-month-old toddler and I are having a slight disconnect.

The following post was authored by the magnificent Sarah of Whoorl and Hair Thursday

You see, I (his anal-retentive mama) want him to drink out of a straw-type sippy cup, so his cocktail of choice (milk) doesn't continue creating puddles all over my house.

Ahhh, the elusive sippy cup. BPA-free plastic, special spouts, no-leak valves, I've bought them all. Yet my efforts to find the perfect blend of form and function have not proven futile.

Look at all that plastic! There are 2,476 varieties in that cabinet!

To make a horribly lengthy sippy cup explanation short, either the spouts leak all over the place or the "no-leak" valves are so intense that my toddler experiences brain hemorrhages just trying to suck the liquid out.

(By the way, those Born Free cups? I bought 3 at Whole Foods and they cost me $50.00. FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR THREE DRINKING RECEPTACLES. And then I died. The end.)

((In other news, can you believe this is my life? Ranting about sippy cups while guest-posting on Sweetney's blog?))

Moving on. I recently found the sippy cup of my dreams, involving a straw which does not leak while on its side, yet does NOT involve Olympic-strength sucking.

Hallelujah! Until I realized that my toddler didn't know how to drink from a straw.

Well, it couldn't be that hard right?

(BWHAHHAHHHAAAAAAAAAA.)

Without further ado, How NOT To Teach Your Kid To Drink From A Straw.

1. Imitation - "See mama drink from the straw? YUM, YUM JUICE IN THE STRAW!  "Here comes the juice! Up the straw it goes!", "Can you drink from the straw like mama?" (Trying not to spew profuse amounts of apple juice all over the kitchen after my 49th try.)

2. Google Tips - "See how I fill the straw up and let it drip into your mouth until you close your lips around it, starting at a 90-degree angle? Then a 45-degree angle?" "No? OK, neither do I."

3. Flattery - "You are such a BIG boy! Look at you eating that straw!", "How about you SUCK from the straw, you incredibly smart little man?"

4. Threats - "Do you want a time out?", "If you don't suck the juice out of the straw, you're going to regret it.", "Don't make me get your father."

5. Insults - "You make Elmo look like Einstein! SUCK IT!!", "Your mama is a filthy whore!" (Oh, wait. That's me.)

6. Bribery - "My little angel, if you suck the juice out of that straw, mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird. Or a pony. How about a golden ticket? Whatever."

7. Exasperated desperation - (weeping) "Just please put your lips on it and suck."  "Mama's very tired...very tired..."

Did I mention I live in a beach neighborhood where people live with windows open and access to everyone else's personal business? I'm sure that last diddy sounded rather compelling to both sets of neighbors.  "Well, HELLO, Mr. and Mrs. Jones! I hope you enjoyed my completely innocent yet overtly sexual sucking references yesterday afternoon! Peace be with you!"

So, after numerous failed attempts, I finally threw in the towel. Totally defeated and dejected. Over a goddamn straw.

I walked into the living room to pick up some toys, returned to the kitchen, and Voilá!

How To Teach Your Kid To Drink From A Straw:

Apparently, you don't.

Awesome.

Comments

[Katie Kat]

Can I just say that Whoorl rocks? And your sippy cup collection looks frighteningly (?spelling?) like my own. Plus, I TOTALLY thought the "Born Free" cups said "Porn Free." I'm not even kidding.

SNORT.

[pgoodness]

LOL. I totally thought they said Porn, too!!

#5, 6, & 7 all had me giggling while my kids looked at me like i've lost my mind.

[Steph]

"Mama's very tired...very tired..."

This is my constant refrain lately.

I spent 50 bucks or so on those stainless steel sippy cups. He refuses to drink out of them -- they're too cold.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I'm going through similar "encouragement" in trying to teach my son how to pee in a potty. Good God, I'm going nuts. "Push the pee out! C'mon, push it out!"

Regards the sippy cups, the only thing that saved my sanity is to refuse the cups entry into certain rooms.

[NES]

But you're just teasing us - we all have cup issues - which one is it that you found and worked??

[Zesty]

Damn - am I the only one who can't see the photos?

BTW I love hair thursdays! I am always printing stuff out and bringing to my hairdresser Tim!

[whoorl]

Oh, yes! I forgot! It's the Munchkin Mighty Grip Straw Cup.

http://tinyurl.com/44rmf4

BPA-Free and it doesn't leak. Ples, it doesn't look like Dora puked all over it. ;)

[Stimey]

It's like teaching a kid to jump. You just can't. Try doing that without finishing each sentence with, "and then jump!"

[Angela]

LOL, he just was waiting for you to leave him alone with it.

We taught Nicky to sip thru a straw easier than the sippy cup actually. Those sippies we used (the cheap ones-omg $50!) required a lot of suck-power. We put pureed fruit on the tip and when he sucked it off he caught on quick.

But oh man! Cleaning those straw things SUCKS! (pun intended after the fact) We finally threw them away in frustration.

And with the sippies, well I've given up and only water is allowed outside the kitchen.

If you find that straw thing really doesn't leak, you've GOT to tell us the brand!

[Angella]

Ha! I think Wito was just showing his superior intelligence (again) by making you try all of those tricks. He was probably giggling inside at all of your antics ;)

[Jenn]

I was going to say the exact same thing as the commenter above. Toddlers crack me up.

[Jennifer]

My daughter isn't having any trouble learning to suck through the straw, but she keeps tipping her head and the cup back like with a sippy. Well, obviously, this makes all the liquid go to the top of the cup, thus not leaving any liquid to be sucked up through the straw! I keep trying to tilt it back down for her, but she just gets mad and refuses to drink from the straw cup. Did Wito have this problem, too? Anyone else know how I might teach my daughter not to tip the straw cup?

[whoorl]

Yes, Jennifer! Yes! Wito is doing exactly the same thing.

SOMEBODY HELP US.

[Kat]

I thought they said porn too - glad I am not alone in this filthy gutter of mine! Love the last bit of desperation plea - hilarious!

[Judy]

I'M SOOOO glad that I'm not the only one that thought the cups said "porn free"!!! You, Whoorl, are FABULOUS!!

[Annika]

Sammy can't figure straws out AT ALL and I thought it was because he never used sippy cups (my brain made it a progression, bottle to sippy to straw, which is obviously nonsense). But if I give him a juice box, he can do it! I figured out why: if the juice is already flowing, he sucks to keep it coming. Juice boxes are squeezable, so I can get it started for him. The problem, of course, is that I don't want him to have juice except as a special treat. Sigh. But I totally lucked out and at about eight months he picked up a water glass and drank from it without spilling (hence the skipping of sippy cups).

[Keri]

Wow. Thanks for the heads-up for when I have kids. #1. Don't buy $50.00 sippy cups. #2. Give the kid the cup and let him do it hisself. #3. Wait... Did you tell us how to potty train the kid?? I might need help on that one day! lol

Have a great day sucking on straws!

Keri

[jonb]

Congratulations...baby steps.

Charlie learned how to drink out of a straw last summer...not really on purpose. I suppose our 'trick' falls under the 'bribery' category. Charlie got a hold of a milkshake from a local burger joint one sunny afternoon. He got one taste and went all Daniel Day Lewis on it's ass.

We now give him organic 'shelf' milk as his 'ba-ba' when we are out and about. He does OK; the only problem with those is that he tends to squeeze the container, squirting milk all over his face, hair, car seat, etc.

[jonb]

by the way, here's that milkshake moment:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/juangrande/1308135027/in/photostream/

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Eh, what fun would Porn Free cups be? I don't know about you, but all my cups have pictures of naked men on them.

[Florencia]

We had the reverse problem. Our 19 month old would not drink out of a sippy cup but loves the straw cups. Now that she is in daycare they want her to learn to use sippy cups. Oy!

[martymankins]

All that frustration and practice paid off. Proof is in the picture. Congrats mom and Wito.

[stacey]

We had a sippy cup collection to rival yours about 5 years ago. It was a great day when we found the favoritest. Loved your post and your son is ever-so-cute.

[Danielle]

I hate to tell you this, but the straw cups will leave milk all over your house too. Jack only uses the straw type cups...but he tends to chew on the straws so after a week or so, the straw leaks. Not as bad as other sippy cups - but still some leaks. And - if you buy any of those that "close"...you know, they have a lid kind of that folds the straw down? Anyway, that ends up being a fun toy and the milk that is caught in the straw is then launched from the straw as they flick the "lid" open and close. Anyway - didn't mean to rain on the parade...they are still better than traditional sippy cups...and that he learned to use one so easily (well, easy for him - not you!) is great!!

[Kerri Anne]

I really think more people ought to say "Peace be with you" for no reason at all, and especially after strings of profanity escape their lips. I'm totally trying it today.

[ali]

$50 for sippy cups? dude, you were robbed. :) but, then again, look at all the porn free jokes that came out of 'em. ahahahah

[andrea]

Must run to store to buy a dozen of those right now to replace the three dozen leaky cups currently taking up residence in our cupboard.

[melanie]

Thermos or Foogo have a great straw bottle, made from stainless steel and totally 'safe' for children. You can replace all the parts and it keeps the drink cold or hot, look out for them, I am in Australia so have no idea where you would get them there, but they are ace!!!

[caroline]

Bwah! That's one of the most hilarious posts EVAH.

[Sabrina]

Just to warn you... while we own a few of those cups (ironically, AJ will ONLY drink from straw cups. never mastered the traditional sippy) and love them... get ready for the fun game of flick-the-straw-with-my-teeth-till-milk-lands-in-mommy's-eye. Soy milk stings. Good times.

[hikooky]

Regarding the tendency of kids to tip the cup, you need the secret mantra: HOLD IT BY YOUR TUMMY. HOLD IT BY YOUR TUMMY. YOUR TUMMY. TUM-MY... This is a very concrete instruction which they are usually able to process accurately. And yes, be prepared to repeat it one thousand times. Just the other day my five-year old had a moment of regression and tipped.

[Lara]

Woo! YAY WITO!!!

Whoorl, you're hilarious.

[Sue @ My Party of 6]

WTG, Wito! I think you need to have a sippy cup giveaway... I totally want those Porn Free ones. ;-)

[HRH]

This is very funny. Those cups do look like they say porn free...

[Jessica Davenport]

What a cutie! My mom made us use those Tupperware cups with the lids well into grade school. At least you can't chew the spounts to pieces these days!

[kelly]

Bah ha! My daughter is 15 months and we skipped the sippy cup stage completely. My man has been having her drink out of straws since she could sit up and i was so embarrassed at first because HELLO! babies use sippy cups! well now i'm grateful because im happy to not have gone through that.
and aren't those cups great! they don't spill. they have to bang the staw on the floor in order to spill anything.

[Jenny]

we can't get our son to drink from one of those either. he still has the notion of tipping it up to get the juice out and he's not getting that it doesn't work that way. and a normal cup is out of the question because he will dump it on the floor on purpose. he's THREE!! sigh... good luck with yours. xD

[Jennifer]

I remember teaching my daughter (now almost 5) to drink from a straw. I explained that she has to "kiss" the straw. She was great at giving kisses and when I told her to put the straw in her mouth and "kiss" she got it. I even made a funny voice and puppet to go along with it.

[Milander]

We never bothered with straws or special cups, we just accepted that there would be some spills and some mess for the first week or so. Both our young kids drink out of proper glasses now and make little or no mess. Get rid of the sippy cups or whatever, save your money and let them try on their own. Accept the fact that kids will make messes and your life will not only become easier but less stressful.

[Shaunalynn]

I've enjoyed reading about your sippy cup dilema.

[Ash]

Wow, I've never read your blog before, but I'll be bookmarking it to come back! Hilarious, and I LOVE reading mommy blogs that are real enough and blunt enough to use the word "fuck"! lol!!

And Milander, accepting the mess will make your life easier and less stressful only if you don't suffer from neatness OCD. If I just let my kids make a mess because they're kids, I would be very depressed and lacking peace indeed.